Snark: Romance Thesaurus

You all know I love romance.  Especially the ones where our hero and heroine get down to business.  But I have to take a pause to address some of the euphemisms and far-fetched notions that have become so commonplace, they borderline on ridiculous. 

I understand there are only so many ways you can describe inserting Tab-A into Slot-B.  And it would get boring if every sex scene sounded exactly the same.  But despite that fact that I am decidedly NOT prone to giggling... some of these expressions have yanked me out of a hot and heavy moment and dropped me straight into giggle-town.

1. Velvet. This is by far the most overused word in all romance novels.   A penis does not feel like velvet.  Not velvet over steel. Not velvet over iron. Not even a little bit.  I had a prom dress made out of velvet once, so I know what I'm talking about.  Being female, I can also assure you that a velvet sheath is also a serious misnomer. 

2. Honey.  Ha! We'd all like to think so, wouldn't we?  If we could all convince men that there is just a big honeycomb down there, ladies would be having more fun in the bedroom worldwide.  In romance novels, it's "honeyed heat" -- in men's locker rooms across America, "It smells like fish, tastes like chicken."

3. Shatters into a thousand pieces.  I can imagine that it's difficult to describe the female orgasm to someone who has never had one.  But for anyone who has, we know it doesn't feel like that. There is also no white lightning nor shooting to the stars. 

4. Dark spices.  What the hell does that mean?  At least one third of my heroes smell like this, and yet I am no closer to an olfactory experience than I was before the author described them.  At least with some commonly used males scents, like cedar or sandalwood, I can stop in the candle section at Kroger and sniff out what the author is talking about. But I am still looking for that elusive "Dark Spice" candle.

5. Biting a lower lip = turn on.  I have seen a few people chewing on their lips.  It's not sexy.  I want to offer them Chap-Stick.

6. Women who smell/taste like strawberries & cream.  Really? First of all, women don't smell like strawberries. OK, maybe I did for awhile in the third grade, when I played with those horrible scented Strawberry Shortcake dolls, but even those didn't really smell like strawberries.  And for those men wondering if the lady tastes as good as she smells... see item 2.

7. Women who feel a man's orgasm, triggering an orgasm of their own.  If women could really be brought to orgasm this way, everyone would be a lot happier, don't you think?  Ditto on all the orgasms brought on by just pulling on nipples or inserting one finger after a big build up.  Maybe there are some really lucky ladies out there that this actually works for.  But I haven't met any of them yet.

No doubt there are more. These are just off the top of my head. And I think I might come back and add to the list as the mood strikes me.  In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  Please share.