Sunday, July 17, 2011

Snark: Romance Thesaurus

You all know I love romance.  Especially the ones where our hero and heroine get down to business.  But I have to take a pause to address some of the euphemisms and far-fetched notions that have become so commonplace, they borderline on ridiculous. 

I understand there are only so many ways you can describe inserting Tab-A into Slot-B.  And it would get boring if every sex scene sounded exactly the same.  But despite that fact that I am decidedly NOT prone to giggling... some of these expressions have yanked me out of a hot and heavy moment and dropped me straight into giggle-town.

1. Velvet. This is by far the most overused word in all romance novels.   A penis does not feel like velvet.  Not velvet over steel. Not velvet over iron. Not even a little bit.  I had a prom dress made out of velvet once, so I know what I'm talking about.  Being female, I can also assure you that a velvet sheath is also a serious misnomer. 

2. Honey.  Ha! We'd all like to think so, wouldn't we?  If we could all convince men that there is just a big honeycomb down there, ladies would be having more fun in the bedroom worldwide.  In romance novels, it's "honeyed heat" -- in men's locker rooms across America, "It smells like fish, tastes like chicken."

3. Shatters into a thousand pieces.  I can imagine that it's difficult to describe the female orgasm to someone who has never had one.  But for anyone who has, we know it doesn't feel like that. There is also no white lightning nor shooting to the stars. 

4. Dark spices.  What the hell does that mean?  At least one third of my heroes smell like this, and yet I am no closer to an olfactory experience than I was before the author described them.  At least with some commonly used males scents, like cedar or sandalwood, I can stop in the candle section at Kroger and sniff out what the author is talking about. But I am still looking for that elusive "Dark Spice" candle.

5. Biting a lower lip = turn on.  I have seen a few people chewing on their lips.  It's not sexy.  I want to offer them Chap-Stick.

6. Women who smell/taste like strawberries & cream.  Really? First of all, women don't smell like strawberries. OK, maybe I did for awhile in the third grade, when I played with those horrible scented Strawberry Shortcake dolls, but even those didn't really smell like strawberries.  And for those men wondering if the lady tastes as good as she smells... see item 2.

7. Women who feel a man's orgasm, triggering an orgasm of their own.  If women could really be brought to orgasm this way, everyone would be a lot happier, don't you think?  Ditto on all the orgasms brought on by just pulling on nipples or inserting one finger after a big build up.  Maybe there are some really lucky ladies out there that this actually works for.  But I haven't met any of them yet.

No doubt there are more. These are just off the top of my head. And I think I might come back and add to the list as the mood strikes me.  In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  Please share.

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At Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 8:27:00 PM CDT , Blogger Karen C said...

Nicely done!!

At Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 10:41:00 PM CDT , Blogger Escape by Fiction said...

#7 is BY FAR the best one...very, very good post today:)

Good reading ~ Escape by Fiction :)

At Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 10:42:00 PM CDT , Blogger Crystal @ RBtWBC said...

lmao! I love this and I was thinking the same exact thing just last week after reading an erotic romance! The world would be a much happier & less stressful place if what happened in romance was the same as reality!
Yeah, and whatever this dark spices is I have yet to find it as well. LoL

At Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 11:39:00 PM CDT , Blogger Book Savvy Babe said...

HAHA! So true, but you gotta love it, that’s why we keep reading it! I just read a book where the heroine smelled AND tasted like strawberries and cream, LOL. Love this post, I needed a good laugh tonight!
Book Savvy Babe

At Monday, July 18, 2011 at 12:58:00 AM CDT , Blogger C.J Duggan said...

Bahahaha.....SO true! I thought straight away 'Sandlewood' and yep then you mentioned it! Too funny. Other fav's "aching bud" "heated core" I think you could play Bingo based on some of these books. But yep we love them and their "whiskey colored eyes" Great post!!

At Monday, July 18, 2011 at 2:01:00 AM CDT , Blogger Alexis @ Reflections of a Bookaholic said...

I read your post and almost died laughing. I recognized every phrase you mentioned which made it all the funnier. Great post. Hope you share more.

At Monday, July 18, 2011 at 3:33:00 AM CDT , Blogger Jessica ( frellathon ) said...

Awesome post and so true to each and everyone.

At Monday, July 18, 2011 at 9:26:00 AM CDT , Blogger Beth D. said...

'Milking' or 'Milked' Always makes me giggle or lift a eyebrow. Hey, you think if the candle makers came out with a Dark Spice scent they might make some serious bucks?

At Monday, July 18, 2011 at 9:38:00 AM CDT , Blogger Jen at Red Hot Books said...

Eww. Milking. That's a good (really bad) one!

Thanks for the comments, you guys. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. :)


At Monday, July 18, 2011 at 11:44:00 AM CDT , Blogger Flo said...

I always wondered what happens if the heroine tastes like strawberries and cream and the hero has a strawberry allergy? I mean seriously, it's a very common allergy. So, does the hero have a lick and break out in hives? And if so would this be hysterically funny or traumatic?

At Wednesday, July 20, 2011 at 9:52:00 PM CDT , Blogger Kristy said...

Bawhahahahahahaha! This is hilarious!

Some of my favorites are the ones dealing with buttsecks. It's always "the forbidden channel" or "her dark passage" or "his puckered hole".

Ewww, really? If some guy said that he wanted to stick it in my dark passage, I'd kick him out of bed.....right after I stopped hysterically laughing at him.

(And PS - not that I feel the need to defend my ass, literally, but she's an exit only tunnel. Just sayin'.)

At Wednesday, July 20, 2011 at 9:57:00 PM CDT , Blogger Jen at Red Hot Books said...

I love you, Kristy. I really do.

At Friday, July 22, 2011 at 9:32:00 AM CDT , Blogger Kristy said...

D'awwwwww. I love you too. And really....we have got to meet up for lunch/dinner again!!

At Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 12:14:00 AM CDT , Blogger Highland Hussy said...

OMGsh I'm laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes!

Okay, so my pet peeve is when the woman smells like lavender-unless it's in Historicals because that might be more accurate--but contemps? paranormals? Really? lavender? That's like my kid's bedtime lotion...totally the opposite of sexy.

At Monday, July 25, 2011 at 10:03:00 AM CDT , Blogger nix said...

Hahahaha I love this!! There is an author that I actually cannot read due to her over use of the "velvet sheathe" euphemism....

I also hate "He thrust in and out of her like a sword" (violent much? and it really doesn't look like a sword, no matter what they say) and the male recovery time of five minutes after sex......

Fantastic Post!

At Thursday, October 13, 2011 at 6:11:00 PM CDT , Blogger Alison Can Read said...

Fabulous! I also think words like "member," "his sex," and "organ" sound funny. I'm reading the BDB series right now and have to laugh at some of the descriptions.


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